Meeting Mr. Gruber

I believe I mentioned in my last post having acquired a bottle of Gruber's Jungle Oil, the panacea concocted from Panamanian herbs by Franklin Gruber, an FSU alumnus. It's turned out to be quite a lifesaver. When I remember to apply it, it repels the tiny no see-ums, locally called chitres, that dwell in and around vegetative areas. They don't bother us in the house or on the terrace, but the closer we get to the back of the property toward the river or to the coffee fields next door and across the street, the worse they get. And when I forget to apply the jungle oil beforehand, it does a superb job of putting a stop to the itching that ensues.

The label on the bottle reads as follows:

GRUBER'S JUNGLE OIL

Made from Panama's finest medicinal plants and soybean oil. It rapidly neutralizes poisons and allergic reactions to sand flies, chiggers, mosquitoes, tics, wasps, bees, spiders and scorpions, etc. Once on the skin disinfects bites to avoid tropical disease and also REPELS those critters for up to 4 hours per application when walking. While sleeping and thus sweating less works all night. Use this oil also to heal severe sun burns and also as an optimum sun screen. Mr. Gruber, an FSU Science Graduate, used it once to heal a mole that changed color and bleed [sic]. Applied on feet before going on muddy nature trails prevents and treats "jungle rot" fungal and bacterial infections. Use also to heal ACNE, minor and mayor [sic] cuts and bruises, prevent, cure gangrenous skin ulcers. As a massage alleviates tense muscles, lupus and arthritis pain, varicose vain [sic] inflammations. Apply 2 to 4 times daily or more. [Mr. Gruber is not a tribute to the FSU English Department.]

I badly burned my little finger on and above the cuticle last week when I removed some brown sugar from the microwave and had some of the resulting syrup dripped from a hole in the bag. After soaking the finger in cold water for a while, I applied jungle oil and, voila, a large blister formed, but I have been pain free for a week. (The blister burst yesterday and, admittedly, it's a little tender now. But I'm still applying the jungle oil, which has kept it supple and infection free.)

So it was with great anticipation that I set out for the meeting of the Love To Garden Club yesterday morning at which Franklin Gruber Himself was the scheduled speaker. After retrieving my friend Sandy from high up in Alto Jaramillo, driving back down the mountain, and then about ten miles out of town on the road to David, we finally arrived at the home of the member hosting the meeting, where other club members were huddled together on the small front terrace in folding chairs. Having no folding chairs, Sandy and I huddled together on the hard stone steps where we watched as Mr. Gruber unloaded bag after bag of plant material on a small round table and prepared to lecture. He appeared much less peculiar than I had envisioned, but not entirely without peculiarities, not the least of which was that, among the plant material, was a jar of fireants and a freely stalking scorpion. He assured us that the scorpion would be fine on the table, for us not to worry. I, for one, didn't take my eye off him for a minute, being the person most closely situated to the table.

The talk proceeded with a discourse on the extraordinary number of medicinal plants in Panama, how he had become familiar with them, and how they had served to cure innumerable people of even more innumerable ills. The stories were fascinating, the ills running the gamut from flatulence to cancer. While he couldn't be described as a dynamic speaker, Mr. Gruber was interesting and kept everyone's undivided attention until such time as a neighbor's gardener took up weedeating and a wind chime overhead began clanging in the breeze. Everyone was alternately leaning forward trying to hear and keeping a wary eye on the scorpion, which was scampering about the table trying to find a way to descend and make mischief. Finally, after about an hour and a half into his two hour allotted time period, Mr. Gruber grabbed the jar of fire ants and thrust his hand in amongst them. Amid the squeals and twitters of the audience, he left it there until what he considered to be a sufficient number of ants had bitten him, after which he removed his hand and liberally applied some jungle oil. He then demonstrated the resulting bites and reported, bit by bit, his reactions to the diminishing pain as the welts gradually, over a period of about five minutes, disappeared. This was followed by more talking about medicinal plants and their uses--still amid the whirring of the weedeater and the jangling of the wind chimes plus the stomping of the fireants that had been slung from Gruber's hand before application of the magic oil --until such time as he located the scorpion on the underside of the table and coaxed him onto a small limb for demonstration purposes. After briefly advising us of the various types of scorpions and the severity of their stings, he aggravated the scorpion into stinging him, whereupon he swallowed a small vial of jungle oil mixed with rum and spread an equal amount of the oil itself on the site of the sting. He confessed to being a little light-headed, at least partly as a result of having eaten nothing that day, he said, and even apologized for needing to sit for a bit. But in due time, ten minutes or so, evidence of the sting had disappeared and he announced that all was well.

Afterwards, I introduced myself, and we reminisced about Tallahassee. We were interrupted, however, by various participants extolling the virtues of jungle oil and narrating their own experiences of having used it. Mr. Gruber briefly took the floor once more to announce that two people present had bottles of jungle oil to sell, as well as his newly concocted salve (more a pomade, actually) for sun spots, age spots, and wrinkles. The latter sold out immediately. I have one at my elbow as I write.